Soft Strength

It took me a while to get this one. Like many women, for years I pushed on. Needing to prove my strength, to force myself into a masculine rhythm, to do it all. It took me a few breakdowns, not just the one burn-out or emotional crisis, it took me a few deep crashes to discover this truth. That weakness is a strength. Showing our vulnerability, our softness, our sore spots is a strength. Like a dog rolling over to show its belly in an act of surrender, when we reach our limit, we too must roll over. This is an intelligent instinct. An instinct that is oftenlabelled ‘weak’ and unacceptable. In a Society that has evolved under patriarchal conditioning, we are taught that to be strong we must grit our teeth and get on with it, we must suppress our feelings and intuitions to just get the job done, we must flex our muscles and power through no matter what. We must fight till the death, instead of roll onto our backs in savasana and surrender.

Asking for help is a strength. Saying you need to rest is a strength. Acknowledging and accepting your limitations is a strength. Quitting the job that really doesn’t serve you is a strength. Having a strong sense of self and knowing your worth is a strength. Honouring your boundaries is a strength. Having the courage to go against mainstream conditioning and ‘shoulds’ is a strength. Mothering your children with patience and empathy is a strength. Taking it easy during your moon time, menstruation, is a strength. Knowing your body and her limits is a strength. Taking a day, or week, off to simply be sick with the ‘flu is a strength. The capacity to face difficult truths and to feel difficult emotions is a strength. Showing your vulnerability is a strength. Embracing the feminine qualities of receiving, being and accepting is a strength. Living from the slow wisdom of your womb and the soft wisdom of your heart is a strength.

I would also add that being able to say “sorry” is a strength. Having the humility to accept when you have made a mistake or hurt someone, and then acknowledging it with a heartfelt apology. And also, the flipside, being able to voice when you have been hurt or offended and need to speak your truth about the pain caused. Then to do this in a soft manner. Not to shout loud angry words or write a letter dripping in resentment, not to cause more pain. To be able to use your words and the energy behind them in a calm, clear and loving manner. This is strength. Having a good look at your own ego, doing your inner work, facing your shadows, taking ownership of your actions and behaviours. This is strength.

All this is very different to the definition of ‘being strong’ most of us grow up with. Humility and softness are not part of that definition. Softness is seen as weakness. We learn instead that strength is to pursue goals and see them through, to aim high and achieve. The ability to rely on yourself, which includes being financially self-sufficient and emotionally independent. Persevering through tough times and having the discipline to endure physical, mental and emotional demands. Lifting weights and carrying your own heavy load. Being unbreakable. Not being a burden on others. Always pushing, always holding it together. Doing it all on your own without ever needing help. Never slowing down, never burning-out. And caring for everyone else while you do all that.

So, when we can’t do it all… when we do need help… when we do burn out… what is the message we tell ourselves? “I’m weak,” “I’m not strong enough.”

I am not the first woman to say that we have it the wrong way round. We learned it upside down. It’s created a kind of ‘Superwoman Syndrome’, in which women feel they need to hold it all together all the time. To be the ‘perfect’ mother, wife, partner, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, colleague, boss, entrepreneur, neighbour, citizen, blogger, social media star, and all-round (unrealistically) stable woman. A moment comes, after all the pushing and keeping it together, when this old meaning of being strong just doesn’t align anymore. We see through the illusion, perhaps collapsing through it in exhaustion. We begin to learn about soft strength. Or true strength, as I like to call it. A strength that grows from vulnerability. An encouragingly empowering strength. A strength born from the seeds of tears and the roots of having the courage to be emotionally honest, embrace breakdowns and show your authentic self. To practice self-care, to take a break, to ask for loving support or professional help. These are strengths. And when we do these things, we send the message to other women that they can too. We teach our daughters what strength truly is. We show our sisters the wisdom of opening up about our struggles and seeking help, rather than trying to handle everything alone. We embody Feminine strength.

Even in the yoga world, strength is often portrayed as discipline and physical stamina. Until fairly recently women were not even taught yoga. Indra Devi is the first well known Western woman to start teaching yoga in the 1940s, and she had to convince Krishnamacharya to teach her. He wouldn’t teach a woman because of his Brahmin status. Years later he predicted that women would be the ones spreading yoga throughout the world. He was right. Thousands of inspiring women have brought yoga to a new age. They have feminised yoga. From Indra Devi and Geeta Iyengar (who developed practices specifically for pregnancy and menopause), to our beautiful teachers of today such as Angela Farmer, Adriene Mishler, Sally Kempton, Sarah Powers, Shiva Rea, Rachel Brathen and Uma Dinsmore-Tuli (to name only a few). Yoga has been lovingly adopted by women. I would even say improved by women. As we continue to evolve it to a more Feminine way. A yoga that takes breasts, hips, wombs and vaginas into account. A yoga that allows for profound relaxation and deep healing, that respects different body types, and encourages every woman to honour her limits and her menstrual cycle.

A yoga that makes you feel safe, soft and supported. A yoga that embodies the Feminine. And this yoga is powerful. It unravels itself as the backbone of strength.

After almost a decade of guiding Women’s Retreats, I have been blessed to witness many, many unravelings of this truth. Women who first resisted the sharing circles, ended with long tales and open hearts. Some told me they couldn’t cry, which led to many tears being shed. Others were uncomfortable being hugged, even saying they did not know how to hug, and ended the retreat in long embraces. The power of women coming together never ceases to amaze me. In a simple circle, no rules or restrictions except to allow each to share without judgement or the need to ‘fix’ anyone. No advice given. Simply hearing each other. Relating to each other. Mirroring each other. Because in each sharing, you can observe a little bit of yourself. In the vulnerability of others, your own vulnerability is reflected. It is beautiful to connect in this raw, authentic manner. The strongest thing a woman can do in such a circle is to unashamedly share her heart out. To cry, to laugh, to grieve, to speak her truth, to share her fears, to share her joys, to allow herself to be heard and held. Out of this vulnerability, a deeply rooted strength grows. The strength to be heard, to be seen, to be loved, to be accepted as you are. In all your rawness, exhaustion, anger, joy, gratitude. No one tells you “That’s enough, hush now.” No one turns away from the uncomfortable emotions. Out of these circles such strength arises. The change is palpable in each woman’s eyes. Saying “I have been seen, I have been heard. In all my messiness, all the things I was ashamed of. And here, instead of being judged, I am embraced with love and compassion. All of me is welcomed with open arms.”

And slowly she starts to soften. To feel safe, to feel worthy. To embrace her weakness as strength. Her breath calms down, her steps slow down. A new meaning of strength takes shape deep in her subconscious. She takes her rest, she sets her boundaries, she asks for help, she accepts support. She begins to feel empowered. Her emotions are validated and she discovers the courage to really feel them. She starts speaking more from the heart and less from the head. Her mind starts to release limiting beliefs and soften the need for perfection. She practices self-care, every day. She begins to develop a profound sense of self-love. And in time, she feels a power within her like nothing she has ever known. True strength.

Discover your soft strength at The Relaxed Woman Retreat May 30 – June 5, 2026